I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
