i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
