tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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