I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
