So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
