You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize