Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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