My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
