I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
