my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
