I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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