also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
