Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
