I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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