Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
