just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize