I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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