Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
