I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
