Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
