I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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