My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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