What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I enjoy the company of your penis
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize