normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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