so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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