I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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