what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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