im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
