my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
