Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
