She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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