I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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