We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
