Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
