If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
