loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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