My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Four minutes until I can fart!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
