dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
