Tell her she can't have a vagina
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
did i just pee glitter
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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