I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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