I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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