dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
