and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
