I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
