Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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