So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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