This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
