I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
