I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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