Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
