i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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