he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
