No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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