I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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