He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
