Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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