I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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