when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
