is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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