I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
