i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
