Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
