the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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