I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize