seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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