T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
