It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
