im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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